Mommy received this forward recently and found it very amusing.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur" niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids ..they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Mommy, I want to sit on your lap. I promise to be good. 

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!!

I've been a very very bad doggie. Mommy took me to a do it yourself car wash and silly her, she left the keys inside the car thinking that she'll just leave the doors unlocked because a dog like me would not lock her out. But that's exactly what I did, I got excited when the water was being sprayed so I hit the automatic locks and all four doors locked leaving Mommy outside...boo hoo. WOOF WOOF, she learned her lesson, that's for sure. She had to borrow a stranger's cell phone to call grandpa to deliver an extra set of keys.  

Grandpa gave me the hugest bone ever! Yummy! Mommy took it away from after she saw the mess I made.

Mommy got laser eye surgery so she won't be wearing eye glasses anymore. The doctor gave her these huge ugly shades to wear for a day or two. She tricked me with a treat and put the hideous glasses on me.